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Life is a crazy weird trip. Sometimes you just have to step out and take a stand against something. For me, that something is apathy. I’ve been in complete warfare mode against it for as long as I can remember, within myself and people I come in contact with. People were created to be passionate creatures. My passion? Music.
A recent scientific study revealed that a sense of music and beat is inherent in everyone from birth onward. The study monitored the brains of 3-4 day old infants when exposed to a rock beat that was consistent. After a few times through listening to it, they began removing every fourth beat. When the infants’ brains registered this, they literally “twitched.” Music is inherent- separate from language or circumstances. For all those Darwin supporters out there, chew on this: the concept of steady beat is isolated to humans. Monkeys, lab rats, goldfish, dogs- none of them have it. Just thinking about it really encouraged me because of how unique we are as humans. Some scientists try and throw us into these boxes as a species and classify away the wonder we should have at God’s creation, for we are made in His image. I was just reading last night in Psalm 139, and verse 14 really caught my attention because of how much of my life I’ve spent dealing with insecurity:
“I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.”
My sister Kara once told me “Tami, God does NOT make junk.” To this day, I can barely say that aloud without tearing up. For me, to say that is to state very clearly whom I belong to; the thought alone makes me tear up in sheer awe of the care that went into fashioning every part of me- even the parts I don’t like. Infinite love created every bit of who I am, and placed into me the one element that reaches into every human being at the deepest, most vulnerable levels: music.
It seems to be one element that can break through every wall that we as humans erect around our hearts in order to keep the rest of humanity out and prevent ourselves from the inevitable: pain. When I lived in the dorms, I’d have my music fairly loud and every once in awhile someone would pass my door and pause briefly to catch a few bars of whatever song happened to be playing. Some sighed, some quickened their pace, and still others popped their head in to give me an enthusiastic thumbs-up. People that I had never before had a connection with or had any reason to have a connection with were suddenly on a very personal level with me. It was almost as if my personal walls had never existed in the first place. THAT is the power of music. Or, rather, the power of God exhibited through music.
Certain songs catch me so completely unawares that I forget to breathe as I strain to capture every note, every nuance of the sound. Colors explode in my mind as emotions collide within my imagination and a mental picture forms. That image is what I will forever associate that piece of music with. Still other songs are too overwhelming for me to capture the mental picture right away and I’m forced to get out pastel and paper and draw as I listen to the song repeatedly until the image forms under my fingertips. I’m never satisfied until every possible color has been exhausted and I am often surprised by the picture revealed when I finally look down at what the music “looked like” to my mind, or, if you will, to my heart.
I am convinced that every individual has one particular instrument that pierces them to the core when played masterfully. We all have memories attached to music; favorite movies, a song played in a restaurant when hanging out with friends, a song sung at a wedding or a funeral, and the albums our parents listened to when we were growing up. I think the worst crime committed by the world of popular music is overplaying a song that tops the charts. Sure, the general populace enjoys it, but does that entitle it to copious amounts of airtime? The correct answer is no, by the way. All that is accomplished is that the “self-destruct” button on the tune is pushed. After that, the only song played should be “Taps.”
Tangents appear to be my specialty, but I’m sure by now the topic of this tome, “passion,” has been clearly portrayed by my unchecked enthusiasm toward the subject of music. I may shy away from politics, large groups of women, and onions, but when it comes to music, be prepared for the long haul. It’s all I can muster to shut myself up sometimes.
Recently I discovered something that I find very interesting about the way I view music. I went through a “punk” stage when I graduated from high school; loud music, dark clothing and the attitude to go with it. The volume on my iPod got turned louder and louder, and the earbuds were rarely further from my ears than the distance from my head to my backpack. It wasn’t that I was trying to prove anything to anyone. On the contrary, I was trying to hide from being noticed in the first place. I was just another punk kid with loud music. Voila! I got left alone.
Honestly, I’m extremely relived that I pretty much grew out of it. I faced my emotional issues, got help for my health issues and finally turned back to the only One who could heal my spiritual issues. There’s still that part of me that enjoys punk rock and at this point, I highly doubt I’ll ever stop wearing chucks, but we’ll see where I’m at ten years from now. What I love about the place I’m in right now is that I know where I stand with my Heavenly Father, regardless of whether or not my earthly one is on board with what I think He wants for my life. Knowing where I stand with (or should I say IN) the Father opens up a whole different lifestyle and manner of thinking for me. I am finally fine with being exactly who and what God made me, and I’m enjoying the sweetest, most intimate relationship with my Lord that I’ve ever had. All through His grace and mercy, too. The Lord knows I don’t deserve it. Another beautiful thing about this transformation is the new avenues of musical tastes, interests and opportunities that it has opened up for me. To be continued...
Hey, I've been working on a new post for the LONGEST time and haven't quite gotten around to finishing it since my life decided to explode for a bit. It's starting to quiet down now so I'll put it on my to-do list to get that sucka done!!
...is to break us, show us who we are, sort through the pieces, discard the undesirable, and re-build us in the image of our Maker. The whole process is, in the most simplistic terms possible, NOT fun. Ever. And if anyone says they’re having fun, they’re lying. I’m not saying joy is impossible (for we are actually told to be joyful in the midst of trials in Ephesians), but happiness (which is dependent on positive circumstances) is extremely rare and generally a trait only possessed by the extremely masochistic. I was reading in a favorite book of mine last night, Streams in the Desert, and came across this passage by Ruskin that applies music into the subject of trials extremely well.
“There is no music in a rest, but there is the making of music in it. In our whole life-melody the music is broken off here and there by “rests,” and we foolishly think we have come to the end of the tune. God sends a time of forced leisure, sickness, disappointed plans, frustrated efforts, and makes a sudden pause in the choral hymn of our lives; and we lament that our voices must be silent, and our part missing in the music which ever goes up to the ear of the Creator. How does the musician read the “rest”? See him beat the time with unvarying count, and catch up the next note true and steady, as if no breaking place had come between.
Not without design does God write the music of our lives. Be it ours to learn the tune, and not be dismayed at the “rests.” They are not to be slurred over, not to be omitted, not to destroy the melody, not to change the keynote. If we look up, God himself will beat the time for us. With the eye on Him, we shall strike the next note full and clear. If we sadly say to ourselves, “There is no music in a ‘rest,’” let us not forget “there is the making of music in it.” The making of music is often a slow and painful process in this life. How patiently God works to teach us! How long He waits for us to learn the lesson!”
In Ephesians, Paul writes about some of his experiences and how, even though he’s going through some intense trials, he has joy. At one point, while jailed, he and a few other guys sang praises to God! Crazy as it sounds, it’s the most incredible thing to be compelled to do while under stress. When it happened to me, it took me utterly by surprise, but I’ve never felt such absolute joy and peace. When I encountered situations that ordinarily would have me frustrated, angry, and biting my tongue to hold back curses, I found that what bubbled out of my heart instead were constant songs of praise to God!
It’s so amazing to know that, even when we take out our frustration on God and may even feel betrayed by Him, He is still in constant control. It’s comforting that He never changes- His word stands and His standards never fluctuate. Steadiness. Calm in the midst of the storms of life.
Odd as it may seem to some, Daniel 3:25 is my life verse.
“He said, ‘Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods (NIV).’”
It actually came from the book I mentioned above, and, ironically enough, the accompanying text on that particular devotional day really didn’t mean much to me. In fact, I had a hard time finding it just now because the page had the anomaly of not being all marked up.
I love the way this verse says so clearly, so applicably that when life throws you out of the frying pan and into the fire, you’re never there alone. Jesus is with you, the completely qualified, sympathetic High Priest who has gone through everything.
I can totally empathize when David says “Why standest thou afar off, O Lord?” in Psalm 10:1. It’s crazy how quickly forget all that God does for us and how easily we think that if we’re walking with the Lord, everything will be roses. It’s SO not the case, because when we’re walking with the Lord is when Satan is TICKED and throws everything he’s got at us to make us fall.
“You’re not there, way out there, wandering in Your great Unknown. You are here, ever near. In my heart You found a home. You are living, You are breathing, I can feel Your presence in me.”- Jaci Velasquez
Even when we DON’T feel His presence, though, He is here with us. Always.
“Let us not rely on feeling, but on faith in His unswerving fidelty; and though we see Him not, let us talk to Him. Directly we begin to speak to Jesus, as being literally present, though His presence is veiled, there comes an answering voice which shows that He is in the shadow, keeping watch upon His own. Your Father is as near when you journey through the dark tunnel as when under the open heaven!”- Daily Devotional Commentary
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.” -Romans 8:28
George Mueller puts it really succinctly- “In one thousand trials it is not five hundred of them that work for the believer’s good, but nine hundred and ninety-nine of them, and one beside.”
“We must die before we are turned into gentleness, and crucifixion involves suffering; it is a real breaking and crushing of self, which wrings the heart and conquers the mind.”-G.D.W.
“The Lord hath sent strength for thee.”- Psalm 68:28
I know I’m barely writing anything that hasn’t been said by someone else, but I find that, most times, the wisdom of the ages speaks for itself.
“Should Sorrow lay her hand upon thy shoulder,
And walk with thee in silence on life’s way,
While Joy, thy bright companion once, grown colder,
Becomes to thee more distant day by day?
Shrink not from the companionship of Sorrow,
She is the messenger of God to thee;
And thou wilt thank Him in His great tomorrow--
For what thou knowest not now, thou then shalt see;
She is God’s angel, clad in weeds of night,
With ‘whom we walk by faith and not by sight.’”
So....
“Let us run with perseverance (patience)”- Hebrews 12:1- George Matheson commented that “It is the power to work under a stroke; to have a great weight at your heart and still to run; to have a deep anguish in your spirit and still perform the daily task. It is a Christlike thing!”
“When all our hopes are gone,
‘Tis well our hands must keep toiling on
For others’ sake:
For strength to bear is found in duty done;
And he is best indeed who learns to make
The joy of others cure his own heartache.”
Another hard thing? To wait FOR God. People so often think that God is in this eternal NOW, and He is, but the thing of it is, He works our His purposes in His time. So says Isaiah, “Blessed are all they that wait for him.” And again in Daniel, “Blessed is he that waiteth.”
Now THIS I really love...it’s such blunt truth, but wow!
“The tests of life are to make, not break us. Trouble may demolish a man’s business but build up his character. The blow at the outward man may be the greatest blessing to the inner man. If God, then, puts or permits anything hard in our lives, be sure that the real peril, the real trouble, is what we shall lose if we flinch or rebel.”- Maltbie D. Babcock
“So suffering is rough and hard to bear; but it hides beneath it discipline, education, possibilities, which no only leave us nobler, but perfect us to help others. Do not fret, or set your teeth, or wait doggedly for the suffering to pass; but get out of it all you can, both for yourself and for your service to your generation, according to the will of God”
“Every heavy load that you are called to lift hides in itself some strange secret of strength. Every point of battle to which you come, where you must draw your sword and fight the enemy, has a possible victory which will prove a rich blessing to your life. Not to do it, at whatever cost, is to miss the blessing.” -J.R. Miller
AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF!!!!
“His soul entered into iron.” -Psalm 105:18 (in English, “Iron entered his soul”)
“Do not flinch from suffering; bear it silently, patiently, resignedly; and be sure that it is God’s way of infusing iron into your spiritual life. God wants iron saints; and since there is no way of imparting iron to the moral nature but by letting people suffer, He lets (does not inflict) them suffer.” -F.B. Meyer
To satisfy the singer in me...
“Rejoice in the Lord always; and again I say, REJOICE!” -Philippians 4:4
some lyrics from an old negro spiritual...
“An’ when He hears yo’ sing, He bends down wid a smile on His kin’ face an’ listens mighty keerful, an’ He says, ‘Sing on, chile, I hears, an’ I’s comin’ down to deliber yo’: I’ll tote dat load fer yo’’ jest lean hawd on Me and de road will get smoother bime by.’”
...has one of those nifty red phones that usually connect people to the President, except his connects him to God. I'm not talkin' little meaningless one-sided conversations. Theirs are those talks that would put teenage girls to shame with their length and depth (well, I doubt the girls would miss THAT, but you get the idea...) His lyrics never fail to paint the most amazing pictures in my mind, grab my heart, take me by the hand, and bring me to the throne room of God in worship. Incredible. His lyrics are so genuine and obviously from his own experience. He can truly empathize with all the crud that goes on in people's lives, and he knows the TRUTH about sin and salvation and speaks it boldly. He thinks about things commonly taken for granted and gives them a whole new perspective, and is not afraid to try something new with the musical style, because he's never put himself into a concrete genre box. God is truly using this man, and has blessed him with such a distinctive voice and talent. Some of the most significant times in my life have been emphasized by various songs he's written (HE wrote 'em!!! Not someone else!! That is way too rare nowadays). No other musician's work has ever been able to draw such intense emotion from me- tears, sobs, grins, outright laughter, spontaneous dancing, you name it. I can't NOT sing along! Ever since I got my noise-canceling headphones, I can hear even more clearly the finesse of the instrumentation, complexity, and sheer musicianship.
"There's just today, that's all we've got. Tick tock, the past is locked, the future's far away, we can't go back, can't hurry it up, we've gotta learn to live today."
"I'm always talkin' bout a change, but talkin's all I've done. I'm gonna start tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes- there's just today."
"I get so clumsy, I get so foolish, I get so stupid and then I feel so useless. But you're sayin' you love me, and you're still gonna hold me and that you wanna be near me 'cause you're makin' me holy, still makin' me holy"
"How can I be so prone to wander, so prone to leave you, so prone to die? And how can you be so full of mercy? You race to meet me and bring me back to life!"
"I wake to find my soul in fragments, given to a thousand loves. Only one will have no rival, hangs to heal me, spills his blood."
"O praise Him all His mighty works! There is no language where you can't be heard! Your song goes out to all the earth- Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah!"
"God if you're there, I wish you'd show me. And God if you care then I need you to know me. I hope you don't mind me asking the questions, but I figure you're big enough."
"But the stillness moves and the silence yields and not a single beat is lost. You can hear the chorus in the fields taking up where we left off. And Your praise goes on, rising to Your throne, where You guard us while we dream. Past the stars they fly, Your praises fill the sky till You wake us with the dawn. And Your praise goes on."
"Now rise up everything that lives, flap your wings and leap for joy. O Forest lift your arms and sway, clap your hands you ocean waves!"
"And when my final breath You lend, I'll thank You for the life You gave. But that won't mean the praises end, 'cause I won't be silenced by the grave! And Your praise goes on! I'll be runnin' to Your throne with every nation, tribe and tongue! To Your arms I'll fly, I'll gaze into Your eyes and then I'll know as I am known. And Your praise goes on!"
"Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed. And blessed are the hands that keep giving and never receive and blessed is the heart that gets broken, but keeps holding on, holding on for another day. 'Cause that's what it means to live by faith."
.....I could go on for pages, but I doubt you want to read that much! Suffice it to say, the way God spoke through the words of the apostles is the same way He's speaking through these lyrics. I have 7 albums already, but there are more. Crazy. That's the amazing thing about God. He's not like country music- you know, all the songs are about pretty much the same thing- dog, truck, girlfriend, boyfriend, betrayal, love, blah, blah, blah. *flinches as I'm hit by every country music fan out there* Sorry! But it's true, you know. But God...well, there's never a shortage of things to sing about Him, because we will never truly know on this earth everything there is to know about who God is and the stuff He's doing in the lives of the people He loves- EVERYONE!
I can't even begin to imagine all the ways He orchestrates my life because He cares for me and wants the best for me, even if it means pain along the way. Refiner's fire. I love that term. The actual process, honestly, sucks. But it's my own fault that it sucks. It'd be fine if we'd just give in the first time and learn the lesson and move on, but no. Stubborn and insolent is what God called Israel, and that is still true of the entirety of humanity. After all, we are all related to the first Adam and carry his sinful nature. Thankfuly, the last Adam has come to set us free from slavery. Sweet freedom! How I wish that more Christians today realized that they are free to be bold and fearless. Insecurity, pride, selfishness, "finding ourselves" (a common worldly practice for a rebellious world that yearns for God but refuses to yield) These should be out of place for us because our true identity is not wrapped up in ourselves and what we do, but in the person of Christ. Incredible. I don't even know how to describe that lightheaded feeling when the weight of, literally, the world is lifted off your shoulders, when you can truly say "it is well with my soul." God is good.
Sorry...tangents are my forte! And I can't talk about music without talking about God, who came up with the idea in the first place. In Zephaniah 3:17, it speaks of God's nature-
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will REJOICE over you WITH SINGING!!!"
I love that verse. Another favorite concept of mine is laid out in, I believe it's Revelation, but I could be wrong. It's a passage that speaks of the end times/eternity. Everyone always has this vision of the angels singing, because in the account of Christ's birth in Luke, they are. In eternity though, the angels don't get to sing. They get to chant. BUT God's people are the ones singing. WE GET TO SING!!!! For all eternity. How crazy cool is that?!?! But I need to go be productive and not just rave over this stuff all day (I definitely could!); plus, you're probably tired of reading by now. Until.
Mom, Dad and I flew down to Orlando, Florida to spend Christmas with Franz and his family. We pretty much just spent our time hanging out, watching t.v., playing video games, and getting to know one another. I can't believe it's been 4 years since I've seen these guys! Jenni and I hung out a LOT, just chillin' in her room and talking or watching t.v. and I spent time playing video games with the boys or tossing around a football. I kicked Matthew's butt in a game of Sorry, and helped Jake level up on his Guitar Hero he got for his Nintendo DS. We had a blast! Today Mom, Kristie, Jenni and I went to the Mall at Millennia (this ginormous mall) to walk around and, obviously, shop. I got some new sweats and tees at PacSun and some other random stuff (naturally). Gotta love those after-Christmas sales. My feet are SO SORE!!! So anyway, now we're just sitting around and relaxing, so I'm gonna go...participate? :-D
Weird title, I know. I was actually told at the dinner table the other night by my friend David (fondly referred to as Jasian, a fusion of Jew and Asian) that people seem to be drawn to me. I was puzzled, and remarked that I've been told in the past that my personality is abrasive. He responded with the quote of the century: "Maybe, but I think your personality is so abrasive that it's endearing." LOL I just about fell off my chair. Well, I DID ask. It made me wonder, though, if it's endearing in the way that some babies are so ugly they're cute.
NEW TOPIC....
I'm out of my mind. As in busy beyond belief. My iCal is getting a workout it never asked for or wanted, and I'm getting very little sleep. In other words, life goes on as normal. I somehow manage to be productive and relax at the same time. For example, crocheting while watching "Home Alone" with my Dad and laughing at people getting nails through their feet or their heads torched with...oh what's the word? It's not a flame-thrower (though it can be modified to be used as one) but it uses propane to make a large flame useful for all kinds of things. Handy Dads usually have them. You get the picture. Oh, and paint cans being used as projectiles. Another example is what I'm currently doing: updating my blog, copying much-needed new music to my iTunes off of CDs that I've been wanting to do for months but never got around to doing, and relaxing in my chair with my feet up before tomorrow. And an interesting day tomorrow will be! Bus routes on and off from 6 a.m. until 4-ish p.m. and then 2 basketball charters. I'll be out late, most likely. But it's okay, 'cause the basketball teams I'm driving are AWESOME!!! Then Saturday morning at 6 I have another charter, this time for boys J/V Wrestling. Ick. Double ick. Boys who enjoy rolling around on the floor together grabbing each other in public, in SPANDEX. I think I just threw up in my mouth. I usually bring my trusty Macbook along on those charters so I can be...productive. I usually use the hours to add yet another chapter to each of the books I'm working on and adding finesse to the previous chapters. It helps to look at the books with fresh, desperately bored eyes. The basketball games I usually watch, because I like basketball, and also because the teams (football, soccer, track, basketball) seem to like having the bus driver cheer for them (generally because I drive the same team all season, so I get to know the guys and the coaches).
AAAAAAAND yet another rabbit trail...
I'm getting kidnapped on Sunday. Not for real, but kinda. A few of my friends are taking me somewhere and refuse to let me in on it. Needless to say, I'm totally looking forward to it :-D Next week won't be too bad with the busy-ness factor, but the weekend's crazay. Dropping people off at Amtrak at ungodly hours of the morning, going to the ballet, singing for church, people getting married...sheesh! And THEN!!! I cover a bunch of routes for people who have to leave for home early, and THEN!!! I get to fly to Florida to see my beloved brother Franz (affectionately referred to as Goofy Tanzie) for Christmas. Should be interesting. Haven't seen him in a few years, and I haven't seen his wife and kids for at least 4 years. Hopefully we'll be able to find stuff we have in common, and even if we don't, I'm sure we're all creative enough to either bluff or come up with something.
So anyway, I'm coming up blank with more stuff to write about. Hopefully you're not asleep, but if you are, I'm glad I could be of some assistance with your insomnia problem; I wish it worked with mine :-D
